Say hello to Cheese Louise
Green Bay City Pages’ (GBCP) monthly humor column
Dear Green Bay Weather, a “Love” Letter
I’ve had it with you.
I’ve tried to do this with you. I really have. But after a long emergency session with my therapist, conducted via Zoom because of the weather, I now have a new understanding of the power dynamics in our relationship, and they’re not healthy.
My therapist explained that you’re gaslighting me, and have in fact been gaslighting me for years.
Remember last week when you cranked it up to, like, 57 degrees, and told me to go outside for a walk? And I did? And then you blew me over on the Fox River Trail and into the Fox River itself? And then you were like, “Why are you swimming in April?” as though it were MY idea?
It’s not even just you, it’s your toxic friends like “Bay Beach Bobby,” the local groundhog at the Wildlife Sanctuary who promised us an early spring. This snowy day in April sure doesn’t look like spring, does it “Bobby”? If that’s even your real name.
What about all those Canada geese “decorating” the boardwalk downtown? Did you pay them to come back?
And what about back in February, when you suggested we go ice fishing, and then I turn around and you’re nowhere to be seen as I go drifting out into the Bay, frantically calling 911 all by myself.
And in January, when you wanted to go ice-skating at Titletown and gave me frostbite, and then you called me “Old Purple Fingerling Potatoes”? That really hurt – my fingers. And also my feelings. And my wallet, the hospital visit nearly made me bankrupt. But apparently it’s all my fault because I didn’t wear gloves, even though you said I didn’t need to.
And remember in December, how I was so sad that we weren’t going to have a white Christmas, and then you got mad saying I was blaming it all on you? And then you gave us a ton of snow AFTER Christmas, just to “prove a point”? And then you called me up crying later about how bad you felt, victimizing yourself? Remember that?
That’s just cold, real cold. As cold as Green Bay weather in October through June. And that didn’t even affect just me, it was the entire city. Freakin’ sadist.
So, here’s the deal. I’m taking control now. I reached out to Brad Spakowitz, and he too is sick of your malarkey. We’re going to have a fundraiser to dome the entire city, and Lambeau will get its dome after all, and you can’t gaslight me anymore – or you’ll have to answer to Brad.
One last thing – I’ve blocked your Snapchat and reported your Twitter page for spreading misinformation. I’m helping everyone, even you.
Go get some therapy, Green Bay Weather.